#42. Happy Holidays

#42. Happy Holidays

It was late in January. Patrick had put the holidays behind him, and everything that came with them.

Starting with the five-hour trek to his parents’ place on Christmas Eve and his little sister Jenny’s holiday mania – still indefatigable after eighteen years of life – which every year dragged him out of bed at 5:00 AM to pour chocolates and crossword puzzles, placed there by Santa Jenny herself the night before, out of his stocking. April wouldn’t grumble herself up until breakfast, of course, and this year’s morning sickness made her all the more Grinch-like. The early baby shower that the morning turned into was the high point for her, but she was downright pissy again by the time she was halfway through the annual hired sleigh ride. He and April both had fallen pretty sick with colds before the caroling began, but Jenny wasn’t about to let them miss it. With a promise of hot cocoa when they returned, Patrick’s sister finally finagled them into what would become the cause of the following morning’s sore throats and coughing fits.

They were back home by the following night in preparation for working through four days of recovery, just in time for April’s sister Jackie’s New Year’s Eve bash. April was of course depressed about not being able to drink, and effectively guilted Patrick into abstaining. They kissed at midnight and went home.

The next day Wendell came over to congratulate them on the news and join them for a full afternoon of football and junk food, all the time shooting questioning glances at Patrick, who hadn’t spoken to his friend alone since the day he found out about the baby. Patrick leaned over while April was in the bathroom and told Wendell quietly what had happened. “So she still doesn’t know?” Wendell asked. Patrick shook his head and crunched some more potato chips.

But things were returning to relative normalcy now. Patrick was beginning to get used to the doctor’s appointments and the calls from relatives that usually never called and the shopping and the talking about names and the grappling with what it meant that they would be parents, that his parents would be grandparents, that his grandmother would be a great-grandmother, that he and April were about to lengthen the entire family tree and he was still wondering where the last five years or so of his life had gone. All that was becoming pretty run-of-the-mill. There was only one major exception to his peace of mind, just that one thing he didn’t know what to do with.

And one Monday he went to work and Susan was gone.

He hadn’t spoken to her for more than a month. He had been trying as hard as he could not to think about her. He had dozens of times told himself that there was nothing to say to her other than what she already knew. He had presented himself with the fairly convincing argument that he could and should do nothing for her now. Meanwhile, if she had something to say to him, she would do it in her own time and he would respect that.

More than that, though, he was terrified of what he might end up saying if he approached her. He was even more terrified of what he might be capable of doing. Of what she might let him do. Of what she might do herself. It was hard enough not to think about that, not to fantasize . . . He missed her, in a sense, but at the same time he didn’t want to miss her. He was stuck. He had no idea what to do other than to think as little as possible.

But now she was gone. He figured she was just out sick, but then she was gone the next day, and the next. A week went by, and on Friday Patrick’s mind was so wrapped up in his curiosity he couldn’t think about anything else. He went to Derek.

“She quit, man,” Derek said.

Patrick blinked. “Did she tell you why?”

“Hell no,” Derek replied. “She only told me she was leaving when I tried to ask her out again. That girl,” he said, shaking his head. “She broke my heart a little bit, Pat. I could’ve fallen hard for that one. That big ‘L’, know what I’m sayin’?”

Patrick nodded. “Yes,” he said. “Uh, sorry for your loss.”

“Eh, what do you know?” Derek said, smiling. “Married man. What do you have to worry about?”

Patrick squinted at him. He scoffed. “Um, well, how about kids? How about being responsible for the emotional well-being of a spouse?”

Derek’s eyebrows went up. “Kids? She pregnant?”

Patrick opened his mouth, and sighed. Derek was missing his point. He let it go. “Yes, actually.”

“Hey hey, congrats,” Derek said, and slapped Patrick on the arm. “Hey everybody, Pat’s got a kid on the way!”

A few people looked up from their desks and smiled at them. Patrick got a few thumbs up. He responded with a tight smile. He wasn’t going to have the heart to reveal he hadn’t told anybody he worked with for two months.

“We gotta celebrate, man,” Derek said. “I’m thinking about throwing another party, might as well have a theme.”

“What, like a baby shower?”

“Why not? Why do the chicks get to have all the fun?” Derek said.

Patrick nodded, laughed softly. “All right.”

“I’ll let you know,” Derek said, slapping him on the arm again. “Catch you later.”

“Yeah,” Patrick said, putting his hands in his pockets as Derek walked away.